Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
