To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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