Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
