I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
