I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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