you traded sex for a burrito?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
