honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
