I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
