went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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