You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just had sex bonerless
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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