Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
