I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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