She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
