I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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