need another drink. this is the easiest way
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
