Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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