i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
