ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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