The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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