What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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