so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
