I cannot find my penis.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
