i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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