All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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