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The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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