just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
