Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
