I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
