Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Randomize
