Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
