I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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