you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
