i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
