My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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