what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
