My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
