i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
