My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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