My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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