I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm really busy with my period
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