Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
