one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
