my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
