i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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