I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
