I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
