i just sent this text using only my big toe
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
