Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
