if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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