He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
