just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
