I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
